Parents :
The Four Phases of Parenthood
by Bob Hostetler
It came as a shock. In the course of telling a story to my friend Jon, I mentioned
that I had gone into my son’s room to wake him up. Jon interrupted me.
“How old is Aaron?”
We both knew very well how old he was, but I told him. “Sixteen”
I said.
“Why are you still getting him up in the morning?”
I had no answer. I felt like a bald man who’s just been asked why he carries
a comb in his pocket. Somehow, in the busyness of parenting two teenagers, my
wife and I had held on to a habit that made sense when our children were preschoolers
but now was far from appropriate.
That’s when my wife, Robin, and I decided to give more careful attention
to the different phases of parenthood and to acknowledge areas where we’d
lagged behind in parenting our daughter, Aubrey, and our son, Aaron. In doing
so, we not only introduced a little more sanity to our lives, but also prepared
them—and us—for their fast-approaching independence.
Phase One: Commander
In the first years of a child’s life, a parent does everything for him.
The parent functions as a benevolent dictator, telling the child who to listen
to, what to eat, when to go to bed, how to perform a task.
In this phase of parenthood, the task of the loving parent is to encourage
a child’s growth from discipline to self-discipline. As paraphrased
in The Message, “A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love
your children by disciplining them” (Proverbs 13:24).
During our children’s early years we repeatedly used the parenting phrase
“Yes, because . . . ” or “No, because . . . ” We not
only dictated our children’s actions but also took pains to explain the
reasons a certain thing was prescribed or prohibited.
Phase Two: Coach
When our children were still young, my wife began systematically imparting skills
to our children. For example, she coached them in selecting and laying out their
clothes for the next day and in the preparation of simple meals: cereal and
juice at first, and eventually more challenging menus.
It took me awhile, but I eventually caught on. I used Aubrey and Aaron’s
summer break to teach them about work and wages—interviewing, hiring and
even occasionally firing them from jobs around the house and garden. The idea
was not only to teach but to encourage their growth from direction to self-direction,
giving them more responsibility with each new job.
We often tried to help clarify—rather than dictate—our children’s
choices for them. We found ourselves repeatedly using the phrase “Would
you rather do this . . . or that?” Obviously, we never tempted them to
choose something wrong or foolish; the phrase was simply a tool to help them
gain experience in making their own decisions. For example, we might ask, “Would
you rather leave now for church and have time to talk to your friends, or leave
a little later and go straight to your class?”
Phase Three: Counsellor
If you haven’t yet experienced it, you will soon: The day dawns for every
parent when he or she is no longer the driving influence in a child’s
life.
In this phase of parenthood, the task of the loving parent is to encourage a
child’s growth from dependence to independence. This is the phase—usually
in the teen years—when a child can reasonably be expected to understand
what is right, just and fair.
Too many of us continue to parent our teenagers in much the same way we parented
them as toddlers or grade-schoolers. When our kids begin to strain against the
reins, like a horse that’s eager to run, we pull back hard—as though
it’s wrong for them to seek independence. But that’s exactly the
goal of the teen years. In fact, we should encourage that drive for independence
and channel it in the right direction.
The operative phrase during these years is “That’s a decision you
can make.” When our children came to us for permission, we would often
quiz them about what decision they would make if we gave them that freedom.
We encouraged them to take responsibility in decision making, and they responded.
We offered suggestions and warned them about the potential consequences of poor
decisions, but we tried to leave the decision up to them as often as possible.
Of course, the risk we took was that our children would make poor choices, and
sometimes they did. But little by little, they became capable of finding the
right course.
Phase Four: Consultant
No words adequately describe the jumble of emotions a parent experiences driving
away from a child’s freshman college dorm. It’s frightening on so
many levels. But it’s less frightening if the parent has successfully
navigated the first three phases.
The task of parenting isn’t done at this stage; it is no longer one of
proactive involvement but of patient availability. Like Solomon, who wrote,
“Be wise, my son, and bring joy to my heart” (Proverbs 27:11), the
parent in this phase must hope, pray and wait.
Each phase has its own challenges, but phase four can be the most difficult
because it requires letting go. For nearly two decades, the parent has been
the child’s commander, coach or counsellor, but trying to prolong any
of those roles will invite resistance and perhaps even resentment.
As we did in the other phases, we found a phrase that has helped our interactions
with our children: “Let me know if I can help.” It allowed us to
affirm our availability while respecting our children’s independence.
You’ll find that the phases of parenthood aren’t entirely measurable
or scientific. The phases overlap each other; one phase begins long before the
previous phase passes completely. And different children will demand differing
degrees of flexibility in moving from one phase to the next.
But overall, we found that just a little attention to our current (and coming)
phases produced a healthy perspective on our task as parents.
Bob Hostetler lives in Hamilton, Ohio, and is the author of 20 books.
Pull Quote:
Too many of us continue to parent our teenagers in much the same way we parented
them as toddlers or grade-schoolers.
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