Married Couples :
A Work in Progress
by Daniel Guy
Growing into a godly husband doesn’t happen in a day
After dinner one evening, I noticed my wife wasn’t her usual cheerful
self. “Is something wrong?” I asked.
“I could’ve really used your prayers last night.”
“Sorry. It slipped my mind. I was tired.”
“You aren’t giving me what I need! This just isn’t what I
thought marriage would be.”
After several of these painful discussions, I slowly came to understand my wife
held certain expectations for our marriage that were not being met. Even before
we were married, she longed for a husband who would fulfill the role of spiritual
head of the household.
She wanted someone who would lead daily Bible readings, initiate family prayer
times and help cultivate her spiritual growth. She even had an idea of how these
devotional times would be structured. All these ideals were part of a bigger
desire for a marriage that would be Christ-centered, strong, joyful and alive.
So how could such praiseworthy expectations lead to so much conflict?
Great expectations
Many Christian women have hopes for their married life that are similar to those
held by my wife. These ideals are mostly based on Paul’s letter to the
Ephesians in which he states that the husband is to be to his wife what Christ
is to the church, emphasizing Jesus’ example of self-sacrifice in both
love and headship (5:22-33). These themes, along with the commands for deacons
and elders in 1 Timothy and Titus, have been taken to mean that the responsibility
for the family’s spiritual health lies on the husband’s shoulders.
Naturally, young women who have grown up reading these Scripture passages often
aspire to a marriage that reflects these teachings. These desires are often
accompanied, however, by the expectation that such a marriage will happen immediately
and effortlessly. Unfortunately, such an unrealistic standard will lead to frustration
and can hinder the greater goal of a Christ-centered marriage.
A word for wives
This is not to say that wives should lower their expectations. Instead, couples
can work to develop a positive—and realistic—plan to obtain such
a spiritual relationship.
Ladies, remember that filling a new role takes time, and it may take your man
a few years to learn the basics of being a good husband. Patiently encourage
and pray for him as he figures out the spiritual side of having a family. Keep
in mind that he is called to be a godly husband, not the family pastor.
It is also helpful to differentiate between needs and goals. Decide as a couple
what spiritual practices need to be immediately present in the marriage. Once
those things are securely in place, work together to establish goals for your
marriage that will be accomplished over time.
A word for husbands
While many Christian women sometimes hold unrealistic expectations, their husbands
often have no expectations at all. Men, the first step in becoming a spiritual
leader is to develop some idea of what it is you are striving to become.
Read over Paul’s instructions to husbands, as well as his lists of qualifications
for elders and deacons. Though you may not be considering a leadership role
in the church, these verses provide good guidelines for any family man. Talk
and pray with your wife about what your personal spiritual goals should be.
Once these are established, see that you are continually and prayerfully moving
toward them.
Pay attention to your wife’s spiritual and emotional needs. Being the
spiritual leader in your home does not require that you become a full-time pastor,
but rather that you nurture and protect the spiritual well-being of your family.
Learn to initiate times for prayer and Bible discussion. Each marriage is unique,
so be creative in your approach; find times, places and events in which you
and your wife are best able to experience God together.
The husband’s role of spiritual leader takes time to grow into. Remember
to be patient with each other during this process. Don’t give up on your
desires for a godly marriage. Instead, prayerfully set reasonable expectations
and, with God’s help, work together to make them a reality.
Daniel Guy and his wife, Esther, work together in ministry in Makati City,
Philippines
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